The TV ads have come back around this time of year - happy families in cozy sweaters, each with a smile on their face as they embrace each other and gather around a festive table full of delicious food made with love. It’s a beautiful image, really. Connection. Laughter. Family ties that run deep. The ease of being around loved ones.
Unfortunately, this is not the reality for many people. Whether by choice or through a slow deterioration over time, estrangement impacts countless individuals and families. Estrangement holds a lot of nuance, though, put in simple terms, it is when closeness and affection is lost in a previously close relationship. The relationship is strained, broken, or completely lost altogether. Someone who is estranged may feel alienated from the person or people they were formerly close with. They may even still be around family, but feel emotionally estranged or distant from them. While estrangement is common between parents and children, it can also occur between siblings, friends, partners, spiritual communities, etc.
For many, estrangement is caused by, or chosen because of, ongoing conflict, abuse, neglect, disagreement of values, and unresolved hurt. If an adult child of abusive parents is unsafe, dismissed, or shut down, choosing to be estranged may be an intentional decision to protect their emotional well-being. If a sibling cannot respect another sibling’s “no” when asking for money, this may lead to a slow burn separation over time after a repeated pattern of manipulative behavior. The scenarios that result in estrangement are endless, and yet, it is important to note that being estranged does not always mean someone does not care. That person may sincerely desire a close relationship, but for whatever reason, feels that is not obtainable either now or ever. A person may choose to pull back because they care. They may see an unhealthy pattern or problematic concern that they’ve tried to share but have seen no change with. Estrangement is often not an immediate, overnight change, but the agonizing outcome of years of hurt, violated boundaries, and feeling invalidated.
Does this mean everyone in the situation is bad? No.
Does this mean reconciliation is impossible? Also no.
But what it does mean is that human love, joy, pain, and brokenness can exist all at once.
While interpersonal dynamics are incredibly nuanced, sometimes things shake out in a way that might feel unresolved, painful, and confusing. Feelings of guilt, anger, grief, resentment, or sadness may be elevated during the holiday season - a time when we’re told family is the greatest gift of all. These feelings are normal and need to be named as such. Estrangement can be a sticky path to blaze, often intersecting with frustration and both happy and painful memories. If you are walking through estrangement, whether by choice or not, here are some helpful approaches to keep in mind, not just for the holidays, but year-round:
If You Are the One Who Has Chosen Estrangement
Remind yourself that choosing distance does not mean you stopped caring or never did. You can care so deeply for someone and choose to have space at the same time. This does not make you a terrible person. It makes you a human with complex emotional needs.
Give yourself permission to grieve the relationship, even if creating distance felt necessary or needed. If you feel down or distraught, that is absolutely okay. A (once) meaningful relationship in your life has changed and you are allowed to be upset about it.
Release the pressure you put on yourself to explain or justify your decision to everyone and their brother. Not everyone gets the view from your side. You get to decide who you let into this part of your life. It’s okay if not everyone knows, understands, approves, or likes it.
Set boundaries that protect your emotional and mental well-being. Watch for what your needs are. Know your limits, but also keep in mind that boundaries are not the same as ultimatums. Boundaries make it clear what we will or will not tolerate in the relationship. Ultimatums focus on others’ behavior, often luring them into having the illusion of choice but uses manipulation to get the desired result. This can lead to a slippery slope of engaging in the exact behavior you were trying to distance yourself from in the first place.
Understand that you can miss someone/your family and still know that distance is the best option at this time or long-term. Relationships are complicated and several experiences can occur at the same time. One does not have to cancel the other out. It is very common for someone to need space and also miss the person or people they needed space from. After all, in most cases, the relationship was close at one point. It is not just a switch that can be turned on and off.
Stay connected to those who support you. The holidays might feel especially difficult. You may have lost a lot of things when you stepped back (other family members, traditions, a place to gather, etc.) The holidays may also feel like a relief now that you have some space. Wherever you land, lean into the people in your life that love and respect you. These are the ones who will lift you up and support you through the complexities of estrangement.
Engage in meaningful activities or traditions for you. Consider this an opportunity to start anew in a sense. Maybe you start an original tradition. Maybe you carry forward an old one but with a fresh twist. Take the time to do something that is enjoyable and connects you to yourself. Make the holiday what you want it to be, but keep in mind that you do not need to rush yourself to do anything.
If You Are the Person Experiencing Estrangement
Let yourself feel what you feel without judging yourself. If you’re sad, angry, feeling rejected, or downright apathetic, notice that feeling and let it exist as it is. It’s okay to sit with it and not try to immediately change it.
Recognize that you cannot control another person's decisions. You also cannot control their feelings or boundaries. It may feel excruciating to admit this - who doesn’t want control over how people think about them? But the truth is, we cannot ultimately control what anyone else says or does. Perhaps there is room to reframe this as an opportunity for freedom. When we acknowledge that we are not in control of another person’s actions, we just might find ourselves in new territory to change our own mindset or outlook.
Don’t excessively reach out if the other person has asked for some space. Everything in you might want to extend an olive branch, but this may not always be the best move. Ultimately, you are the one who gets to decide, but consider the cost of doing so. Will it cause you stress or brew a fresh wave of grief? Will it accidentally create more distance even when you mean for it to be connecting? Consider this with discretion - each situation is unique.
Give yourself time to process the loss. You might have one less chair at the table for the first time. Maybe this is the 12th year in a row that some people get removed from the group chat. Whether you have been experiencing estrangement for one day or 38 years, it is crucial to give yourself room to process how the loss of this relationship (or relationships) has impacted you, your family, your traditions, and even your worldview.
Remember that estrangement does not determine how lovable you are. Your worth does not change because someone else has chosen to take a step back from your life, whatever their reasons. You have inherent value and will always be worthy of love and connection.
Don’t carry it alone. Talk with trusted friends, family, spiritual communities or leaders, support groups, or a therapist. The weight of estrangement can be unbearable at times and it is not a burden that has to be carried all by yourself. Focus on the relationships in your life that provide mutual care, respect, and communication.
Know that you can leave the door cracked open to healing without pressing pause on your own life. If you decide to leave the door open, remember to take care of yourself and live your life in the meantime. If the other person decides to approach that opening or step inside the metaphorical entrance, they’ll do it in their time. You can still have a big, lovely, and meaningful life regardless of if the other person comes knocking.
Estrangement can be murky. There may be no clear or perfect answer. There may be no resolution or closure. There may be no apologies, hugs, or repair. Uncertainty may linger for what feels like forever and the cycle of grief may come and go. In the unknowns, give yourself room to breathe and take hold of the life and beauty that is in front of you. Do your best to be present, even when a relationship is distant. Remind yourself that it is okay to welcome new memories into your life without feeling guilty about it. One step at a time is still moving forward, even if the destination remains uncharted.