The Power of the “Do Not Send” Letter
What is a “Do Not Send” Letter?
A “Do Not Send” letter is just what it sounds like! It’s a letter you write to someone or something that never gets sent. You can write the letter to whomever or whatever you want! It could be a person, a concept, or even an object. Most times, “Do Not Send” letters are written to a person. The person could be someone from your past, but the person could also be someone in your life now or even a future version of yourself. Though the possibilities are endless, here are some examples of people you may write to:
someone who hurt you or let you down
someone who died
someone who you never got to say goodbye to or never had closure with
someone who changed your life for better or for worse
someone who inspires you
someone with whom you’re not sure where the relationship stands
yourself (past, present, or future)
You can also write to a concept or object. This may feel more abstract, but the goal is still to express yourself in a way that helps you feel free or open with your experience. Some examples of concepts or objects you might write to include:
Fear
The Future
My Depression
God/A Higher Power/A spiritual entity
Shame
My Medication
My Body
There is no wrong way to write or express yourself in a “Do Not Send” letter. It is purely for you to open up honestly about emotions, thoughts, and questions related to various experiences, memories, objects, or people in your life. You might be asking, “What’s the point if I’m not even sending this letter?”, and we have some helpful answers for you below!
Benefits of Writing a “Do Not Send” Letter
You Get to Express Emotions On Your Terms: Expressing your emotions (through writing, art, music, dance, etc!) can help you process experiences by turning vague feelings into something you can try to understand more clearly and reflect on. Putting emotions into words or actions can reduce mental stress, increase self-awareness, and make it easier to identify what you need or value. It can help you gain perspective, learn from challenges, and develop healthier ways of coping. Over time, acknowledging and expressing emotions can support growth by strengthening emotional resilience, communication skills, and understanding of yourself and your experiences! An added bonus is the relief that can come from getting things out on paper! If you need to swear, swear! If you feel the need to cry, cry. A somatic or physical response to an emotional release is normal.
It Can Help Create Meaning: Writing a letter can help create meaning in situations of ambiguous loss or unresolved hurt by providing a space to express thoughts and feelings that may never have the chance to be shared directly. When there are unanswered questions, unfinished conversations, or a lack of closure, the act of writing can help organize emotions, clarify experiences, and acknowledge openly what has been lost, painful, or missed out on. A “Do Not Send” letter can serve as a way to honor your experience, process grief, and develop a deeper understanding of your own healing needs and process. You have the opportunity to work out what a relationship, an experience, pain, or grief means to you now.
It Can Symbolize Closure: A “Do Not Send” letter can give you a sense of symbolic closure when a situation cannot be resolved through direct conversation or action, or if the circumstances make closure unrealistic, dangerous, or retraumatizing. By putting thoughts, feelings, and unspoken words onto paper, you can acknowledge what happened, express what remains unsaid, and intentionally mark the end of a chapter (or the beginning of a new one!). Even when circumstances remain unchanged, the simple act of writing can create a meaningful ritual of release, helping you move forward with greater acceptance and emotional strength.
How to Start Writing Your Own Letter
Get paper and pen, type it, paint it, etc. The type of media is up to you!
Set aside a chunk of time for yourself to write. Dedicating intentional time to the process is part of giving yourself permission to participate in this healing activity. Find a place you feel relaxed, comfortable, and private if you’d like. This may be at your favorite park, at your kitchen table with a cup of coffee, or in the silence and serenity of a reserved room in the library.
Aim for sharing your truth and being honest, not the perfect combination of words. After all, the letter is not going to be sent!
What Should You Write?
Sometimes writing a “Do Not Send” letter can feel intimidating or sticky, especially when you are unsure of how to begin or what to say. Here are a few prompts to help guide you if you’re uncertain of next steps:
If you could say something to this person without filtering yourself, what would you say?
What do you wish this person knew about you or your experience with them? (either now or in the past).
What emotions arise when you simply hold this person’s memory in your mind?
What has been the impact of this relationship, experience, or fear on your life?
How would you describe what you needed or hoped for from this person?
What questions still go unanswered for you regarding this?
Ultimately, the act of writing a “Do Not Send” letter is for you! It can be a healing ritual that opens the doorway for free expression of your thoughts and emotions regarding a relationship, experience, or loss. It is about honoring yourself and your needs by giving yourself permission to open the floodgates of grief, sadness, rage, confusion, or pain. It is another way to validate your emotions when maybe no one else did. Let this writing practice become an act of healing for you and remember that your experiences deserve to be honored, even if you’re the only one holding space for them.