Not Always As It Seems: The Significance of Checking on Your People

May is Mental Health Awareness Month and this month we’re encouraging you to check on your friends, family, coworkers, and other loved ones. Support from friends and the community around us is critical to our mental health, and unfortunately, sometimes we feel we know someone so well that we don’t feel the need to ask how they really are - because we think we already know. While we may be incredibly close to a friend, partner, child, classmate, etc., we can never fully know what they are feeling deep inside unless we ask.

Humans are very good at putting on a face, skating through the day like everything is fine, and then coming home and falling apart. Sometimes mental health symptoms can be on display so clearly. You may notice your friend has been increasingly anxious during social outings or your vibrant friend has become more withdrawn and isolated. Other times, you might completely miss what is actually going on in someone’s inner world, because symptoms like depression, suicidal thoughts, and self-loathing may never show themselves outwardly. 

I have always been outgoing, bubbly, a “Chatty Cathy”, if you will, but I think of a certain period of time in my life where I hid my internal misery from everyone. I was “the happy girl” - that’s how people saw me. People would even say things to me like “How are you always so happy?” I felt like such a fraud. I was beyond anxious at the time and feeling so disconnected from friends. I was hardly eating or sleeping. My habits around social interactions changed. Yet, I did such a bang-up job of putting on a shiny face that no one really thought something might be going on. When my family noticed some things were “off” with me and asked what was going on, I finally opened up about the crippling anxiety and depression I felt, which not only gave me some relief, but also helped me feel seen and cared for and get support.

It’s so easy to see other people around us and assume they are thriving. We assume they are living their best lives when we see beautiful pictures shared on social media. We wonder how some of our friend’s lives seem so perfect, so put together. We see our go-getter friend chasing her dreams and achieving amazing goals, but we don’t see the exhaustion, the late nights, or the marital strife occurring on the back side of things.

We see our parent friends going on family vacations, wearing matching pajamas, and cheesing hard for family photos that are edited just right. But we don’t see the ways they might feel isolated from others or feel entirely undesirable because they haven’t had sex with their partner in seven months.

We might take our kids to school every morning or know they are getting straight A’s. But we might be missing the immense stress they are putting on themselves to get those A’s or to prove their worth to the adults in their lives.

We talk to the dads in our workplace, our spiritual communities, our neighborhood. They give us a wave from the mailbox or tell us about how work is going. But they might not share that they have been battling OCD, losing interest in their job, or having panic attacks in the shower.

You often cannot know just by looking at someone what is happening in their minds and hearts. It is here that we have an opportunity to be intentional in our friendships, our relationships of any kind. Do not underestimate the power of a “simple” question that allows someone to feel seen.

Checking on your loved ones is a win-win because it builds your connections with others, shows care, and perpetuates a healthy cycle of taking care of each other. When we take a step toward our loved ones in this way, we reflect an image of compassion and highlight the fact that it is okay to talk about mental health needs, questions, and experiences. As we often say in therapy: it’s okay to not be okay.

Let Mental Health Awareness Month be a reminder to check in on the people you care about! Mental health, and life more broadly, is a journey we were never meant to trek alone. The purpose of Mental Health Awareness Month is to break the stigma around mental health experiences and needs. No one should struggle alone. With care and advocacy, we can break the stigma and encourage people to seek mental health support for themselves and their loved ones.