Building Confidence in Kids and Teens
Building confidence in kiddos and teens is about more than just making them “feel good”. It’s about supporting them in building the skills and self-trust they need to walk through an increasingly complex world. Here are some practical ways you can help your child’s confidence bloom:
Acknowledge wins: Celebrate the ways your kid or teen has been making progress in school, in sports, in their social life, etc. Highlighting wins, no matter how small, helps lay a foundation of success and confidence. And let’s take a second to redefine “wins”. Wins might be achievements, but we can broaden it! Wins also include the effort, work, strategies, or energy put into something, not solely the outcome. In addition, use positive affirmations to remind your child how strong and capable they are. What strengths do you see in them? How do they bring a smile to your face or make you think about things differently? Tell them! We all love a confidence boost and someone to hype us up to keep us going and this includes kids and teens! Being a cheerleader for our children doesn’t mean ignoring opportunities for growth, it means lifting them up to support them now and when difficult moments or tough lessons come.
Ask for feedback: It might seem odd to consider asking your child for feedback on how you’re doing some aspects of parenting/teaching/mentoring, but believe us when we say: They absolutely have some feedback! Simply asking a question like, “How does it feel for you when I ask about your classes each night?” or “Are there things you’d like me to understand from your perspective about this?” can open up the door for further, richer conversation about how your child feels and thinks. It may also pave the way for opportunities to learn about your child’s overall wellbeing, including mental and emotional health. Are they reflecting frustration? Annoyance? People-pleasing? This is all information about their internal world that is worth paying attention to.
Apologize: One of the most powerful actions we can show kids and teens is apologizing when we’ve messed up. This does a few things - first, it lets them know we recognize we did something to hurt them, upset them, etc. Taking ownership of our messy actions and correcting them is our responsibility, not our kid’s. If we expect our kids to make us feel better about our poor actions, it puts them in an unfair and inappropriate position to comfort us or try to regulate our emotions which, again, is our responsibility as the adult. Second, acknowledging that we messed up demonstrates that it is okay to say that a mistake was made! We all make mistakes and naming it, rather than hiding from it or pretending it didn’t happen, creates a safe environment for kids and teens to do the same. It is important that kids and teens feel they can be honest about their blunders without being criticized or belittled. When they share they’ve done something wrong or made an error, consider this is a precious opportunity to lovingly accept them, appreciate their honesty, and help them reroute for next time.
Ask about their interests: Think back to when you were a young person. What music did you listen to on your stereo or walkman (90’s pop, anyone?)? How did you like to spend your free time? Did you enjoy playing kickball outside? Kids and teens are intrigued by so many things! Just like adults, they have hobbies, interests, and curiosities. Asking about your kid’s or teen’s interests shows them you care about getting to know them as individuals! It displays a desire for connection and learning more about how they see themselves and the world. Kids and teens get a sense of pride when asked to share their knowledge and insight about things. Even if something might seem bizarre to you (what on earth is happening with the 6-7 trend??), showing interest in their world reflects that you want to understand them.
Build Agency: While of course there are responsibilities as parents or guardians to guide our youngsters, there are also plenty of opportunities to help them build agency and learn how to make decisions (and face consequences from said decisions). Giving some options is a great way to teach kids and teens skills related to problem-solving and autonomy. An example for young kids might be asking, “Do you want to wear the yellow shirt or the blue shirt to school today?”. For a teen, it could be, “What radio station would you like to play?” or “I’d like your help vacuuming. You decide if you want to do it now or after dinner.” Creating the space for kids and teens to make some decisions about their lives (what instrument to play, how to spend their allowance, etc.) cultivates independence, resiliency, and healthy self-esteem.
When young people believe in themselves and their abilities, it empowers them to face life’s difficulties, trust in their skills, ask for help, and advocate for their needs or desires. Building confidence is a foundational piece of developing a strong sense of self and the effects of confidence can bolster resilience in the face of various hardships. Show your kiddo or teen your support by trying some of these strategies and watch them blossom!