The Myth of the Perfect Holiday
Make a mental note if you’ve ever thought any of the following this time of year:
“Everything has to be clean! My mom might just happen to look under the couch and see dust!”
“The kids better be on their best behavior otherwise people will think I’m a terrible parent.”
“Is there enough food? What if there’s not enough cheese? Am I a good host?” (all while having enough food to feed an army).
“My in-laws have to see how put together I am. I need them to know I’m a good partner.”
“I swear to all that is good, if my dog chews on the carpet while the neighbors are over I will lose it.”
“Put on a bright smile and act like everything is fine.”
If you relate to any of these, rest assured you are not alone. The “Perfect Holiday” is a myth - it doesn’t exist!
Homes get messy. Kids get loud. Social burnout happens. Dishes pile up and toilets have hard-water lines no matter how much you scrub. This is what daily life is often like. For some reason, we have convinced ourselves that, even just for a day, all will be perfect. Perfectly clean. Perfectly dressed. Perfectly still for the family photo. And though the holidays do bring something special to all kinds of people, they are not exempt from speed bumps along the way. Join us below as we tackle some common myths about “The Perfect Holiday” and ways to approach them with a fresh perspective.
Myth: We will all magically get along for a short time. After all, it’s the holidays!
Reality: We may have high expectations of guests, family, and ourselves. We cross our fingers hoping that for three hours Uncle Rudy won’t start a fight with Great Grandma Louise about something that happened back in ‘88. Of course, no one really enjoys conflict. And while we can cross our fingers, we can also remind ourselves what is in our control and what is not. Recognizing what is in your control can take the pressure off of you to manage everyone else’s emotions and actions. Family feuds, awkward dinners, and screaming kiddos don’t just disappear because it’s a holiday and it’s important we keep this in mind as we set our expectations for the season. Take a step back and reflect on what your expectations might be. Are they realistic? Are you willing to be flexible with some? How might you respond when your buttons are pushed? We may not have power over how others react, respond, or behave, but we can control how we do.
Myth: You have to go *all out* to set the vibe.
Reality: You may find yourself disappointed that your home didn’t turn out “Pinterest perfect”, comparing your decor to the lobby of the fancy hotel your work has its holiday party at (of course they nailed Ralph Lauren Christmas). It might sound tacky, but connection to those you love does not rely on the lights in your window or the decorative pillows you bought. Environment can absolutely play a role in comfort levels and decorations can be a fun way to celebrate, but it’s normal if your space does not look like a magazine cover - it just needs to be safe, welcoming, and real. It’s about the people in the space, not the baubles and bows.
Myth: If you’re not oozing cheer, you’re being a Grinch and bringing down the mood.
Reality: The pressure to be cheerful or spirited can be utterly exhausting. It takes a lot of energy to keep up the facade and, sometimes, the harder you force yourself to be joyful or have fun, the more draining it can be. Some days you may feel jolly and ready to get festive. Other days you may feel depressed, too low to even want to get out of your warm bed. This is normal. We cannot be high energy and happy all the time. Maybe you feel sadness, loneliness, grief, or disconnection. It’s okay to give yourself permission to feel emotions other than merriment and joy. Try to take care of yourself and challenge yourself to be honest about how you are feeling. Faking emotions contributes to inner tension and makes us feel like we can never relax. It’s okay if you don’t want to celebrate or just want the season to be over. You are not a Grinch - you are a human with real emotions that are valid, whether you feel exhilarated or exasperated.
Myth: You have to squeeze every last drop out of the season by doing ALL the holiday things.
Reality: You are allowed to set limits and boundaries around your/your family’s time. Joining in on the festivities, attending events, and planning social gatherings can be a great way to savor the moment and increase connection with others. However, if you are trying to do it all, you may find your energy depleted and your brain zapped. It is acceptable to decline invitations to events or leave them early if needed. Your time and energy are valuable resources that require some monitoring: Are you putting your time and energy toward the things you want to? Do you feel guilty for saying no to your coworker’s Gingerbread House Making Extravaganza (even though you know it’s something you’re not interested in)? Where might you need to firm up some boundaries in order to take care of your own needs? Saying no to things does not automatically make you rude or ungrateful. It’s about your own capacity, not others’ requests. You can always leave the door open for future plans if you’d like. Remember - not every invitation is an obligation.
This holiday season, instead of aiming for perfection, aim for being present. Rather than attempting to wrangle everyone’s emotions, rest in knowing you can manage your own. “The Perfect Holiday” (the perfect anything, for that matter), isn’t real. Give yourself and others some grace by holding space for life’s messes and imperfections. Allow yourself to rest and regroup, even when things are not faultless. Ask for help. Laugh at yourself. Holidays can still be enjoyable, meaningful, andgoodeven when things don’t go as planned or hoped for. You are not required to be flawless - instead you are invited to be fully rooted in what is.