What is Limerence?
A lot of people have had a crush at some point or another. Maybe it was your high school coworker at the local grocery store, your sibling’s best friend, or a colleague. Having a crush can be fun and whimsical - you feel light on your toes or get butterflies in your stomach. It’s normal for people to feel attraction and fall in love - but what happens when those feelings become more addictive or obsessive? It can lead to what psychologist Dorothy Tennov termed “limerence.”
The Attachment Project defines limerence as “an intense feeling of love that can become addictive, with intrusive thoughts about the Limerent Object (LO).” The Limerent Object, in most cases, is the person who is the object of affection, in other words: the crush. However, instead of light-hearted feelings tied to that person, it is often intense emotions that are dependent on the responses and actions of that person (the Limerent Object (LO). A person experiencing limerence might shape-shift to be more appealing to the LO. They might drop their own hobbies to invest in ones the LO likes, buy the same brands the LO buys, or even shift some of their values based on what the other person might think.
Example: Patti is a huge fan of hiking and kayaking. If Patti is experiencing limerence with her coworker, Alex, she might find herself distraught when she learns he doesn’t like being outdoors and would prefer playing video games. Patti may even minimize her love for the outdoors when she is around Alex and latch onto his hobbies as a way to feel close to him.
Intrusive thoughts of the LO are common when experiencing limerence, and this can become incredibly disruptive to someone. Intrusive thoughts are unwanted and often cause anxiety. A person experiencing limerence finds themselves distracted by thoughts of the LO and fantasizing can become obsessive and all-consuming.
Example: Patti goes to the mall to find new work clothes. When trying on outfits, she wonders what Alex would think, making decisions about her clothes based on what she imagines Alex would prefer. After getting clothes, Patti stops at the bookstore to get the book series Alex said he liked. Patti is normally a historical fiction fan, but she opts to buy the sci-fi alien series because she knows Alex likes it. She feels a sense of connection to Alex, thinking this will make her more interesting to him. Unfortunately, this sense of connection Patti feels is not grounded in reality.
With limerence, red flags are often unseen or ignored due to the intensity of attraction and feelings. The emotional intensity of limerence can override someone’s logic, leading them to disregard or actively ignore any issues or red flags. The person feeling limerence might think they can change the LO, or see the LO as “misunderstood.” The person experiencing limerence often bends the reality of a situation to make it fit what they want.
Example: Patti may ignore or minimize comments Alex makes about people with disabilities because she is so infatuated with him. She might try to rationalize why it’s okay to let it continue, because addressing the problem could result in Alex thinking less of her.
With limerence, the LO is put on a pedestal. They can do no wrong. Positive traits get exaggerated. They appear to be perfect in every way and the person experiencing limerence often looks for things that aren’t there - signs and clues that the LO feels the same way about them. Anything that might be perceived as rejection feels like a major blow and can drastically impact the mood of someone experiencing limerence.
Example: Patti mentioned to Alex in December that she likes Sweetie’s Bakery. In January, Alex brings donuts in to work from Sweetie’s bakery to share with the team. Patti sees this as a sign from Alex that he is emotionally invested in her and believes this to be a romantic gesture. She stops by Alex’s desk to thank him for bringing donuts from her favorite bakery. Alex responds with, “Oh, I totally forgot it was your favorite. That’s cool! I thought the team would enjoy a treat after this hard week.” Patti is crushed that Alex didn’t remember this detail about her and also angry that this gesture was not specifically for her. She feels rejected and unwanted.
People experiencing limerence tend to feel possessive or jealous when thinking about the LO. They might be upset when the LO shows interest in other people or when the LO is having a good time around people other than them. The sense of connection and attraction is felt strongly by the person with limerence, though it is often one-sided. Sometimes the LO is not even aware of how the other person feels toward them, which amps up the anxiety felt by the person with limerence.
High levels of uncertainty are a main driver behind the emotional roller coaster that is limerence. Because the person experiencing limerence is unsure of how the other person feels, anything the LO does can make or break their mood or day. Sometimes this can lead to impulsivity or unhealthy behaviors focused around the LO or even disengaging with other relationships in life (friends, family, spiritual community, etc.)
Example: Patti overhears Alex tell another coworker he plans to be at Piaggi’s Pizza for a gathering at 6pm with friends. Patti already had plans with her sister to go shopping, but she cancels on her sister so she can be at Piaggi’s Pizza when Alex gets there, in hopes that he will see her and strike up a conversation, maybe get some wine... and she fantasizes about the night, hoping Alex will ditch his friends and end up coming home with her.
A person experiencing limerence often projects unmet needs, hopes, wants, or desires onto the LO. While it may be subconscious to the person feeling limerence, the LO typically represents some kind of emotional rescue or saving, a protector, or the ideal partner. The person feeling limerence will go to extreme lengths to preserve the “bond” they think they have with the LO. Rather than step back and see things how they are, the person with limerence lives in a fantasy where the LO is the bright-eyed and beloved main character.
While it is thought that limerence may have some ties to childhood attachment, there is no “official” cause of limerence. An individual who grew up with inconsistent caregiving from parents/guardians may find themselves experiencing limerence later on in life. The overlap between anxious attachment and limerence is significant and may also be looped into low-self esteem and a strong urge to please others. Though there is overlap, this does not mean everyone who experiences limerence has an anxious attachment style.
Limerence can be overwhelming, but it is possible to move beyond it! When moving beyond these intense emotions, the goal is not to shame yourself for having these feelings, rather to shift the focus that was on another for so long back onto you. The person experiencing limerence may have abandoned their own needs and wants in order to mold themselves into what they thought would grant them approval from the LO. When moving out of limerence, it is important to challenge the initial perception of the LO (they aren’t perfect because no one is!), build self-esteem, and explore attachment patterns (this is a great topic for therapy!).
We all want to feel loved, connected, and seen by others. Knowing patterns around attachment and needs can help clarify the difference between healthy connections and consuming, uncertain ones.